This isn’t one of those funny kid posts. Sorry folks. I just don’t seem to have it in me right now. It’s kind of hard to explain or describe. It’s just that I have felt a raincloud sort of floating around. Stupid cloud has settled right over me. It’s nothing horrible or awful. It is more like a sadness or weepiness that just won’t go away. I haven’t been running or exercising. I literally had no time to do anything for myself this summer. I just sort of feel like a schlumpadinka, you know, all frumpy and yuck. I am tired, really, really tired. I have gained back some of the weight that I had lost and it is really making me mad…and sad, I guess more sad. I KNOW what I need to do. I know that I need to lace up my shoes and go for a run. I know that I need to pop in one of my gazzilion workout dvds and just exercise. I KNOW. I just can’t. Do you know that feeling? It sucks. The cloud sucks. The tiredness sucks. Maybe I need my Prozac bumped up again. Maybe it’s hormonal insanity from my hysterectomy…impending menopause…Who knows…I know that I don’t.
Ok, so what do I know? I know that I am blessed beyond, which just adds to my guilt of feeling so blah. Wonderful husband, beautiful family, warm home, health, faith, friends…what else could I need? I shouldn’t need anything else, but I guess that I do. I guess it is the selfish, greedy side of me. I need to feel as if I am actually getting something accomplished. I want to feel as if it matters, something that I am doing matters. I know that my role… no my VOCATION as a mother is such a gift. I know that it is important and that it matters. My vocation as a wife and a mom is all that matters. So why do I feel so unsettled? I guess that I need to feel as if a part of me, outside of the wife/mom, is doing something. A few short months ago, I had energy, I felt good, no actually I felt great. What changed? I guess that I let myself slip away again. It is hard to make time to do things for me. Once summer vacation started, I stopped going to my body combat classes at the Y. I couldn’t just go for a run because…you know, there were like a million kids at my house. There is always something to do or somewhere to be and it usually doesn’t have anything to do with me. Honestly, I don’t mind it. I love that the kids are involved in things. One of my favorite things to do is to watch my kids do something that they love, whether it is playing a sport or an instrument or singing a song, whatever. It makes my momma’s heart happy. I happily load up the van every Saturday morning to head to the soccer fields to cheer on my little soccer players. Ok, maybe I am not ALWAYS happily loading up the van, but I DO enjoy watching them. I like my job as a mom. I love to bake a batch of cookies for no reason other than to make the kids smile. I love to cook a dinner that I know that Brian and the kids will enjoy. Partly because I hate to hear them moaning and complaining about dinner, but mainly because I like to do nice things for them. It makes me feel all motherly and domestic. I have to admit that I love when everybody comes home from school or work and the house is tidy and picked up and smells like a candle store. I don’t really enjoy cleaning, but I love the results. I have even managed to do something that is borderline miraculous. I had all of the laundry COMPLETELY done last week. This might not seem like a big deal, but in this house, to have the laundry ALL done is a very rare occasion. I was tempted to celebrate with a glass of wine, but it was only 11:00 in the morning. I do have morals and a sense of ethics…usually.
Ok, so my life is pretty amazing and I actually like what I do…So what is with the cloud of doom hovering over me? I am not sure. Like I said earlier, it could be a million things. My money is on menopause crap. Stupid fibroids that caused my stupid hysterectomy. 38 is not the age that I thought that I would have to deal with this, but for whatever reason, I am. Time to deal with it and quit whining about it. But like I also said before, this wasn’t going to be a funny kid oriented blog where I try to entertain you with stories about the antics of the Hough family 11. Nope, this is more of a therapeutic verbal vomiting. Sorry for the visual. But thanks, I feel better.
I know that the raincloud will eventually lift and the sun will peak through. Before you know it, I will snap out of it again. Until then, I will just borrow an umbrella.